Whose Side Are You On?
UGH, breakups.
They don’t even have to be your own to absolutely suck. At least a few of us have been there — curled up with a heartbroken friend on the old worn couch as Gone Girl blasts on TV, pretending that all of the snot and saliva-covered ice-cream drenching your shoulder is absolutely fine.
If you’re one of the luckier, then the supportive words are easy. He was a total dick. She was a total bitch. May their weasel-faced bloodline end with them.
If you’re not lucky, the vile scoundrel wasn’t actually as bad as Nick or Amy Dunne. If you’ve somehow pissed off Lady Luck herself, they were actually a really good person. Just as good as the friend who’s currently blowing their nose in your favorite pajama shirt (maybe a little better, since they haven’t smeared any mucus all over you). Another still-loved friend. They’ve told you their side of the story as well, and you’ve realized that the breakup wasn’t truly either person’s fault. Hearts are just fragile, fickle things.
But that’s probably the last thing that your shattered friends want (or need) to hear right now. The only thing that matters to them now is whose side you’re on.
And now you’re stuck in the crossfire, dodging bullets like Neo from The Matrix. How’d you end up here? THIS ISN’T EVEN YOUR BREAKUP!
1.THIS ISN’T ANYONE’S FAULT!
The first thing to remember is that previous thought: This isn’t truly either person’s fault. Alongside their broken hearts, your friends’ now have to deal with the sociological toll of ending a relationship. A breakup is a loss of face, a Chinese concept furthered by American sociologist Erving Goffman to mean “the positive social value a person effectively claims for [themselves] by the line others assume [they have] taken during a particular contact.” Your friends’ past relationship was that “line of social value,” which has now been broken. Society now demands an explanation of why it was broken, leaving your friends scrambling for explanations that will help each of them save face. Unfortunately, one of the easiest (but not always accurate) explanations is to claim that the other person was at fault.
2.THIS IS SWITZERLAND!
But even though those sides are as imaginary as my shitty second grade teacher’s PhD in child psychology, it’s important to make sure that you keep from making any moves that seem to pull you towards any singular team. If you’re going to awkwardly nod your head along to one friend’s colorful venting, save another hour for the other. If you’re planning to drop off McDonald’s fries to fill one heart’s hole, consider grabbing two orders instead. Remember that you’ve got two perfectly healthy shoulders for gathering snot and saliva-covered ice-cream. Neutrality keeps both friends from losing more face.
3.THIS IS NOT A SHUTTLE!
Being neutral does not mean becoming a carrier pigeon for your friends. Shuttle diplomacy, a term coined during late 20th-century international affairs, refers to a negotiation method in which a third supposedly neutral party serves as a mediator between the two conflicting sides. While this method might work for international socioeconomic emergencies, establishing a persistent link between your friends and their sources of heartbreak may prevent each individual from the personal growth needed to genuinely break free from the past. The broken couple has just gone from literally psychologically fusing themselves with another person to being on their own again. A successful breakup is often a journey of self-rediscovery, of reidentifying oneself as a single, complete person. So no matter how heart-wrenching those lonely little puppy eyes are, never promise to deliver any messages. You now have a severe dog allergy.
4.THIS IS GOING TO TAKE TIME!
Like any other injury, a heartbreak takes time to heal. The only unfortunate difference is that it’s pretty much impossible to estimate the length of the healing process. From each partner’s personality to who dumped who to the ongoing custody battle over that awesome air fryer with nonstick coating, there are just too many factors to consider. Getting over the other person could take anywhere from a few days to several years. It might not truly be ever. In some cases, the only helpful thing you as an outsider can really do is to patiently be there for your hurting friends, to lend an ear as they learn to find their own voices again.
5.AGAIN, THIS IS NOT YOUR BREAKUP!
‘Own’ is the keyword here. At the end of the day, this was their relationship, and you are your own person. It can get scarily easy to lose sight of that when multiple people you love are hurting, and you want to do what you can to help. But even well-meant involvement can sometimes go astray (see your super severe dog allergy), and you could be putting unnecessary strain on yourself.
Your friends may be going through critical journeys of growth right now, but you have your own adventures to navigate. It’s perfectly alright, and important, to set boundaries. Hey, I’m not sure I’m the right person to talk to about this. I’m sorry, I’m a bit swamped with work right now, but we can definitely talk later! I’m going to be honest here — I don’t really want to watch Gone Girl for a tenth time.
This breakup has hurt enough people already. Don’t let it break you too.
