The Five Stages of Grief Reimagined
How do we live with the unimaginable? How do you accept the unacceptable? How do you continue after a major loss of a parent, sibling, child, or friend?
In 1969, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross detailed the five stages of grief in her book, On Death and Dying. The stages she described were taken to explain how people experience grief and went in a certain order, each occurring once. The stages were as follows: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. While eye-opening at the time, new studies have shown that the stages of grief are not as fixed as once believed. In fact, grief is much more fluid. How else can we explain the different behaviors and reactions that people have? In fact, it turns out that Kübler-Ross never even intended her stages of grief to become the blueprint of loss! Rather, she wrote them after interviewing individuals who were diagnosed with a life-threatening illness. While she did indicate that “family members undergo different stages of adjustment similar to the ones described for our patients” there is still a different process for grieving for a loved one having a terminal illness than grieving for someone who has passed away. Oh no! So what is the blueprint for overcoming the loss of a loved one? New research shows that grief is not so fixed that it follows a certain blueprint, which actually may be a good thing.
Why the Five Stages of Grief Don’t Work for Loss
Since the publication of On Death and Dying, there have been multiple studies to test the validity of the five stages. A 1981 study considered 193 individuals widowed for various lengths of time. The results proved that while “the stresses of widowhood persist[ed] for years after the spouse's death; they do not confirm the existence of separate stages of adaptation.” Thus disproving that the 5 stages of grief have any validity for those who are in bereavement. Similarly, in a 2002 study, only 11 out of 205 individuals followed the “normal” cycle of grief after the death of a spouse.
So What Does Work?
Are you kidding me!? I was going through the worst depression of my life and my only hope was that acceptance was next and now you’re telling me I’m wrong? What am I supposed to do with that? Never fear! Even without the five stages, you will still experience acceptance, and this time get there without the guilt, confusion, and anxiety that needing to fit into a certain pattern of steps often brings. It is “normal” (whatever that may be) to long for the simplicity and predictability of the stages of grief, but hopefully it conveys some relief to those of you who feel like your grief is sporadic and irregular. A year after her passing, in 2004, Kübler-Ross and David Kessler published another book called On Grief and Grieving. In this book, she confirms that the five stages of grief are “not stops on some linear timeline in grief. Not everyone goes through all of them or goes in a prescribed order.” In other words, what does work while grieving? Whatever it is you are doing! Whether grief for you means wallowing at home, going to work the next day and pretending everything is normal, sharing memories of your loved one, writing the stories down, keeping them to yourself, visiting their grave every day, or never at all, you are experiencing grief the way you are meant to.
Am I Grieving Right?
Yes, the answer is always, yes. There is no wrong way to grieve so banish the idea of right and wrong out of your mind right now. A grieving period is hard enough without you adding the stress of needing to do grief “right.” Forgive yourself and be patient with yourself. The only way to grieve “right” is to always treat yourself with compassion.
How Can I Help My Friend Who’s Grieving?
Now that you understand that no grief is the same, what does this mean for caring for someone who is grieving? As you enter this new role in your friendship, please be certain to give yourself the grace and patience that you would your friend if they were in your position. While of course no way is tried and true, here are some ways we recommend.
Listen to your friend: let them tell you what they need. Listen as they share story after story (even if you’ve heard that one about great uncle Bobby 50 times before), trust me, they need to share it.
Let them cry: sometimes all they need is a shoulder to cry on, and lucky for you, you’ve got two! Sometimes knowing that you are there for them, is all a person experiencing grief needs.
Remember important dates and places: before you invite them out to go clubbing or check out that super great new brunch place, think about what day it is on and where it is. Is today their dad’s birthday? Their favorite place to dance with their sister? While it is, of course, unreasonable to remember every single important date and place to someone, remembering a few key details will make all the difference to them, and save them a lot of sad explanations and heartache.
https://www.washington.edu/counseling/2020/06/08/the-stages-of-grief-accepting-the-unacceptable/
https://www.mcgill.ca/oss/article/health-history/its-time-let-five-stages-grief-die
https://www.therecoveryvillage.com/mental-health/grief/how-to-help-a-grieving-friend/
