It’s Just High School
High school: the calamitous result of trapping hoards of not-children-not-adults inside a hellscape of Honors Physics and mystery meat cafeteria lunches in the impending name of preparation for the real world.
In simpler terms, it’s all a bit of a mess.
Messy folders of half-finished assignments, messy hair after basketball practice, messily erased panic on insidious pop quizzes, messy bathrooms with toilet paper all over the ceiling and only three functioning stalls (scratch that, it’s now two because someone just tried to flush a chemistry textbook down one), and of course, messy first romantic relationships. Which inevitably leads to even messier breakups.
For those of us who are lucky enough to peer in from the outside, everything can start to blur together. At some point, the constant, mucky stream of running mascara might even start to seem a little annoying. It’s just one trivial high school relationship. The world doesn’t end with it. You still have so much of your life ahead of you.
You’re not entirely wrong. Unfortunately, a lot of modern media creates unrealistic, overromanticized expectations for the “epic” high school experience, featuring supermodel actors enjoying the youthful “primes” of their life. In reality, high school is just four years of a hopefully much longer and adventure-filled life, a mere blip in the longtime feat of existence.
On the contrary, (but then again, isn’t all of life just one massively frustrating contradiction?) these silly first semblances of romantic relationships are also extremely important. To that heartbroken teenager in your life, those too-loud 1 a.m. phone calls and uncomfortably sloppy locker makeouts were, well, their firsts. Their first brave steps beyond familial and other platonic relationships. Their first breathless realizations of what it means to have someone choose them in a way that no one else ever has before.
So, when that once-special someone unchooses them, it’s understandable to be utterly shattered.
Even if the messy breakup was an inevitable part of messy high school, it’s now crucial to ensure that your teenager gets the support they need, no matter how minuscule it may seem to you. This introduction to romance and heartbreak will surely impact their future interactions of all natures. The only question is, will it be positively or negatively? How can you help them retain that glitter-and-roses aspects from first love, while allowing them to learn and grow from their mistakes?
It can be a tricky balancing act, and first instinct might be to turn to a professional. Psychologists, school counselors, and even more experienced parents and teachers will surely have a tip or two. But one of the most important things to remember about grief and comfort is to focus on the mourner themselves. To listen to what they say they need. So, here’s some words of wisdom from some of the (anonymous) once-heartbroken youth themselves:
“Something my dad — who is awesome, by the way — did right away was validate my feelings. He never said a single word about it being just some silly high school relationship. He never once laughed at me moping around the house. I think because he took what I was feeling so seriously, I was able to feel more genuine about things too.”
“My mom constantly told me she loved me. Literally, I think she reminded me thousands of times during that rough patch, even more than she usually does, which is already a lot. I was obviously feeling very much unwanted and tossed aside at that point, but she reminded me that romantic relationships aren’t the only place to find love.”
“Food definitely helps. And money. You should definitely give your kid money.”
“It kind of sucked whenever my mom made it all about her. Like, she would constantly bring up her own past relationships and how she was strong enough to get through them. I know that she meant well, and maybe I could’ve learned something from her stories, but I really needed for the focus to be on me this time.”
“That relationship was pretty long and serious, and I might’ve taken things a little harder than others, but my parents actually let me go to professional counseling. I’m so grateful to them for listening when I told them what I needed.”
“Pro-tip: if your kid is going through a rough breakup please please please don’t take this as an opportunity to delve into ‘the talk.’ Jeez, I’m literally getting chills just talking about it.”
“Just be there to listen! No judgment, no advice, just listen. And hugs when needed!”
Food and unsolicited ‘talks’ aside, a common thread seems to be just literally being there. As our second wise advisor says, it’s important to remind your teenager that their broken romance was not their sole source of love. They still have so much of it around them, and so much more of it just waiting, beyond high school, to be discovered.
Anonymous advice and accounts were gathered with permission in in-person conversations and emails with this writer’s personal relations.
